To answer these questions, I really need a moment to think about what I am trying to achieve, and build.
How tall? How sturdy? How many legs? Wood or clay? Who’s buying it? Who wants it? Who needs it?
Less idealising what the future might look like, should I be successful – renouncing the sweet taste of my champagne illusions and cigarette daydreams – and more analysing this present situation I am living and breathing in. With all its obstacles, advantages, possible stakeholders, and people I should start emailing because I am an ambivert millennial who doesn’t call unless strictly necessary.
In other words – what can I practically do right now to give shape to my ambitions, putting aside my desire and low-key obsession with wanting to be successful and – I am not embarrassed to admit (okay maybe just a tad) – make my parents proud?
They say confusion is perfectly normal at this stage, and I have a feeling it will be a faithful journey companion. I am, however, also trying to embrace it (something else they say we should be doing). I genuinely hope that from the ashes of this confusion something beautiful will be born. Something that I can be proud of, and truly call mine. If not a phoenix, an animal yet to be discovered.